if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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