I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
