You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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