I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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