I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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