I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There's always time for handjobs
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
