My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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