I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
