"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's never too late to be topless.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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