It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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