I seem to have left my pride at pride
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Who died my cat blue again?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
