Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize