Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
