Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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