god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
