Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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