There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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