If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
