Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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