I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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