life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
