His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
