I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
