i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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