I puked a lego.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
