mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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