Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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