May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
