I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
