life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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