Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
