You're my little dorito
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
