im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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