I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
