yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
