I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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