Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
