Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
