It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
