i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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