finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
