we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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