wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
