Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
