Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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