I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize