You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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