I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have fence marks all over my body
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
