i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
