i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
