the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
