I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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