Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
