someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
