3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
