Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize