i just sent this text using only my big toe
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
