3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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