theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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