We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
