shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
