we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
